A Ska-liday Christmas

10 tracks

A loud, fast, chaotic 90s style ska punk holiday album. Brass blasts, offbeat guitars, Doc Martens stomps, and frantic mall season mayhem. This is Christmas through the lens of 90s ska - playful, energetic, nostalgic, and completely unhinged in a joyful way.

// Concept

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// Tracklist

I'm Gonna Get That Elmo Listen Sheet Music
It’s December ninety-six and I’m standing in the cold Toys R Us at five AM, I’ve been here since it’s old The doors are gonna open and I know just what I need That little red furry bastard laughing, mocking me with greed My kid wrote Santa Claus a letter, just one thing on the list And if I don’t deliver now, I know he won’t exist
I’m gonna get that Elmo! I’m gonna get that Elmo! Tickle Me, you fuzzy freak, I’m coming for your soul I’m gonna get that Elmo before I lose control!
The scalpers on the corner selling Elmos for two grand I could pay my mortgage twice with what they’re asking, man But I ain’t gonna give in, no, I’m gonna win this war I’ve been training for this moment, that’s what dads are for Excuse me, sorry, pardon me, that’s MY Elmo, back off! I’ll body check a grandma, yeah, I know that’s kind of soft
I’m gonna get that Elmo! I’m gonna get that Elmo! Tickle Me, you fuzzy freak, I’m coming for your soul I’m gonna get that Elmo before I lose control!
They said there’s only ten in stock The line is fifty deep I haven’t slept in three whole days I’m way too wired to sleep The doors are opening now! This is my moment of truth! CHARGE!
I got that Elmo! I got that Elmo! Tickle Me, you fuzzy freak, you’re coming home with me! I got that Elmo! Merry Christmas, family!
Heh heh heh, that tickles!
Radio Shack Miracle Listen Sheet Music
Christmas Eve and I forgot the batteries again The toy won’t work without them, gonna let my daughter down Every store is closed up tight, I’m running out of time But there’s a light still shining bright, that red and white sign
Radio Shack! Still open late! The fluorescent lights are calling, don’t make me wait!
Radio Shack miracle! They got what I need! Radio Shack miracle! At supersonic speed! The guy behind the counter with the clip-on tie Says “I got your Double-As right here, I won’t let Christmas die!” Radio Shack miracle!
The wall of batteries glowing like a holy shrine A thousand different sizes, gonna find the right one fine He’s checking in the back room, gone for half a day Comes back with a dusty box and says “I saved the day!”
Radio Shack! My Christmas is saved! That minimum wage hero deserves a parade!
Radio Shack miracle! They got what I need! Radio Shack miracle! At supersonic speed! The guy behind the counter with the clip-on tie Says “I got your Double-As right here, I won’t let Christmas die!” Radio Shack miracle!
Remember when you needed a connector? An adapter, a converter, a resistor? There was only one place that could deliver Radio Shack made Christmas better!
Radio Shack miracle! They got what I need! Radio Shack miracle! At supersonic speed! The guy behind the counter with the clip-on tie Says “Merry Christmas, buddy, now get home and fly!” Radio Shack miracle!
Radio Shack… we miss you…
Game Boy Battery Fiasco Listen Sheet Music
We’re headed to grandma’s house, four hours in the car I got my Game Boy loaded up, Pokemon so far But something’s wrong, the screen is dim, the contrast’s fading fast My batteries are dying now, this fun is not gonna last!
Game Boy battery fiasco! The screen is going dark! Game Boy battery fiasco! I haven’t saved my mark! Four Double-As are all I need to make it through the day But nobody packed the batteries and now I have to pay!
Dad says the next stop’s thirty miles, I cannot wait that long The music’s getting slower now, there’s something really wrong I’m tilting toward the window light, trying to see the screen Mom says “Just enjoy the scenery” - the worst thing I have seen!
Game Boy battery fiasco! The screen is going dark! Game Boy battery fiasco! I haven’t saved my mark! Four Double-As are all I need to make it through the day But nobody packed the batteries and now I have to pay!
The low battery light is blinking red I’m watching all my progress slowly dead Tetris high score, gone forever Pokemon journey, never say never! WAIT! There’s a gas station up ahead! DAD PULL OVER!
Game Boy battery fiasco! I got the batteries! Game Boy battery fiasco! The screen is bright again! Eight bucks for four Double-As at highway robbery rates But I don’t care, my Game Boy’s back, now let’s reach those golden gates!
Dun-dun-dun… GAME BOY!
Crystal Pepsi Listen Sheet Music
Christmas nineteen ninety-two, the future had arrived A cola clear as water, man, I felt so alive Van Halen on the TV screen, “Right Now” was the song Crystal Pepsi in my hand, what could go wrong?
They said it was healthier, they said it was pure The taste of tomorrow, the crystal clear cure!
Crystal Pepsi! At the Christmas dinner table! Crystal Pepsi! Clear as we were able! You were too good for this world, you beautiful drink Crystal Pepsi! Gone in a blink!
Grandma didn’t understand, she thought it was Sprite But I knew it was the future and the future was bright Tab Clear came along and ruined the game Pepsi killed you off, but they were the ones to blame!
Two years of glory, two years of clear The best Christmas beverage, I’m shedding a tear!
Crystal Pepsi! At the Christmas dinner table! Crystal Pepsi! Clear as we were able! You were too good for this world, you beautiful drink Crystal Pepsi! Gone in a blink!
They brought you back in twenty-sixteen But it wasn’t the same, you know what I mean The magic was gone, the moment had passed Some things from the nineties just weren’t meant to last
Crystal Pepsi! I’ll never forget you! Crystal Pepsi! The holiday brew! You were too good for this world, you beautiful dream Crystal Pepsi! You made the season gleam!
Right now… it’s Crystal Pepsi time…
You've Got Fail Listen Sheet Music
It’s Christmas ninety-seven and I’m logging on tonight Gonna order all my presents, gonna do it right The modem’s making noises like a robot having a fit Three minutes later, I’m connected… this is it!
Loading… loading… loading… The picture’s coming through… Loading… loading… loading… Just the top half, we’re not through!
You’ve got fail! Disconnected from the server! You’ve got fail! Mom picked up the phone, disturber! I was THIS close to checking out, now I gotta start again! You’ve got fail! Dial-up was never my friend!
I found the perfect gift, put it in my cart The order form is loading, this is the easy part Entering my credit card, number by number slow Connection timed out, error, NO NO NO!
Busy signal… busy signal… Can’t get through at all… Busy signal… busy signal… Why won’t Santa call?
You’ve got fail! Disconnected from the server! You’ve got fail! Dad needs the phone line, disturber! Forty-five minutes wasted, now I gotta try once more! You’ve got fail! Online shopping’s such a chore!
“Welcome! You’ve got mail!” Yeah, but I DON’T got my order confirmation! This 56K is killing my Christmas spirit! And who’s calling Grandma right now?! GET OFF THE PHONE!
You’ve got fail! But I finally got through! You’ve got fail! Took six hours, now I’m through! Order confirmed at two AM, I’m exhausted but I won! You’ve got fail! But Christmas shopping’s done!
“Goodbye!”
Pizza Hut Bash Listen Sheet Music
It’s December and we’re headed to the Hut tonight The whole family’s coming, gonna do it right Red cups full of Pepsi, unlimited refills Personal pan pizza, paying off my BOOK IT! bills I read fifteen books this month, teacher signed my pin Now I’m cashing in my prize and the party can begin!
Pizza Hut bash! The holiday tradition! Pizza Hut bash! On a cheese-filled mission! Stuffed crust, pan pizza, breadsticks on the side Pizza Hut bash! The best place to reside!
The salad bar is calling but I’m here for the cheese The jukebox playing Christmas songs, please don’t make me leave My birthday party happened here, the whole class came around The back room with the presents was the best place to be found Quarter for the arcade game, maybe two or three Pac-Man and the pizza, that’s the life for me!
Pizza Hut bash! The holiday tradition! Pizza Hut bash! On a cheese-filled mission! Stuffed crust, pan pizza, breadsticks on the side Pizza Hut bash! The best place to reside!
Remember when they had the buffet? Remember when you’d go there every other day? Remember the red roof and the red cups? Remember when Pizza Hut was enough? NOW THOSE WERE THE DAYS!
Pizza Hut bash! The holiday tradition! Pizza Hut bash! On a cheese-filled mission! Stuffed crust, pan pizza, breadsticks on the side Pizza Hut bash! Merry Christmas, satisfied!
Pizza Hut… making it great…
Black Friday Siege Listen Sheet Music
Three AM on Friday, Thanksgiving’s barely done We’re camping outside Circuit City, the battle’s just begun My thermos full of coffee and my strategy is set The doorbusters are calling and I haven’t lost one yet The competition’s fierce out here, I see them in the dark This isn’t shopping anymore, this is Jurassic Park
Black Friday siege! We’re storming through the door! Black Friday siege! This is retail war! Trampling through the aisles, knocking people down Black Friday siege! The most aggressive sale in town!
The doors fly open, five AM, and everybody screams I grab a shopping cart and run, fulfilling all my dreams A VCR for fifty bucks, I snag it from some guy A Furby for my daughter, almost caught an elbow to the eye The checkout line is two hours long but I don’t even care I got the deals, I won the war, now get me out of there!
Black Friday siege! We’re storming through the door! Black Friday siege! This is retail war! Trampling through the aisles, knocking people down Black Friday siege! The most aggressive sale in town!
ADVANCE! To electronics! SECURE! The clearance rack! RETREAT! When security comes! ATTACK! We’re coming back! No prisoners! No mercy! Just savings! And receipts! Black Friday siege is ON!
Black Friday siege! We survived another year! Black Friday siege! The victory is clear! Loading up the minivan with everything we won Black Friday siege! The war is finally done!
Mission accomplished… see you next year…
Snowed in at Sam Goody Listen Sheet Music
The snow came down on Christmas Eve, three feet at least they say The mall PA announced we’re stuck, nobody’s going away I looked around and realized where fate had trapped me in Sam Goody music store, my friend, the best place to have been The listening booths are empty now, I got them all to me Every CD in the store, and the whole night to be free
Snowed in at Sam Goody! The greatest Christmas gift! Snowed in at Sam Goody! My spirits start to lift! Every genre, every artist, every album I could dream Snowed in at Sam Goody! Let me hear this music stream!
I started in the rock section, moved to hip-hop next Alternative to classical, my ears were truly blessed The staff just let me wander, they were stuck here too We traded recommendations until the night was through Green Day, Nirvana, TLC, and Boyz II Men I found my new favorite band again and again
Snowed in at Sam Goody! The greatest Christmas gift! Snowed in at Sam Goody! My spirits start to lift! Every genre, every artist, every album I could dream Snowed in at Sam Goody! Let me hear this music stream!
They don’t have stores like this no more Where you could try before you buy Where music wasn’t just a file But something you could hold up high The snow’s still falling, I don’t care I’ve got my headphones, I’ve got my chair Sam Goody was my happy place And this blizzard brought me face to face With heaven!
Snowed in at Sam Goody! The greatest Christmas gift! Snowed in at Sam Goody! My spirits start to lift! Every genre, every artist, every album I could dream Snowed in at Sam Goody! Best Christmas I’ve ever seen!
Sam Goody… we miss you…
Mistletoe Mayhem Listen Sheet Music
It’s the annual Christmas party, Uncle Bob is hosting it Somebody hung a mistletoe and now I gotta split Aunt Martha’s coming this way and I know what she wants I’m diving behind the couch, yeah, the family gathering haunts But wait, there’s Sarah from next door, she’s standing right beneath If I play this right tonight, I might just lose my teeth
Mistletoe mayhem! Chaos at the party! Mistletoe mayhem! Awkward and hearty! Running through the hallways, dodging all the guests Mistletoe mayhem! Holiday social test!
Grandpa’s telling stories, blocking the escape route Cousin Eddie’s puckering, somebody call the troops I made it to the kitchen but there’s one above the sink Now I gotta wash my hands and try not to blink The girl from down the street just walked in through the door She’s heading my direction, is this what I’ve been waiting for?
Mistletoe mayhem! Chaos at the party! Mistletoe mayhem! Awkward and hearty! Running through the hallways, dodging all the guests Mistletoe mayhem! Holiday social test!
And there she was, beneath the green The prettiest thing I’d ever seen The room went quiet, time stood still Maybe this Christmas wasn’t so ill She leaned in close, I closed my eyes And then my mom yelled “PHOTO TIME!” NOOOOO!
Mistletoe mayhem! Chaos at the party! Mistletoe mayhem! The moment wasn’t hearty! But she said she’d call me, so maybe there’s a chance Mistletoe mayhem! The awkward holiday dance!
She did call… best Christmas ever…
Mall Santa Throwdown Listen Sheet Music
In the left corner… Santa from Sears! In the right corner… Santa from JCPenney! LET’S GET READY TO JINGLE!
It started at the food court on Christmas Eve day Two Santas locked eyes and they both had something to say “This mall ain’t big enough for both of us,” Santa One declared Santa Two cracked his knuckles and said “You should be scared” Their elves lined up behind them, tiny fists raised high This was gonna be a throwdown that would sleigh or die!
Mall Santa throwdown! The battle of the ages! Mall Santa throwdown! Writing holiday pages! Beard against beard, boot against boot Mall Santa throwdown! Who’s the real Saint Nick recruit?
Sears Santa threw the first punch, missed by a mile JCPenney countered with a candy cane freestyle The shoppers gathered round them, phones out recording This was the content that the internet was hoarding Security came running but the elves held the line These Santas weren’t stopping until one of them resigned!
Mall Santa throwdown! The battle of the ages! Mall Santa throwdown! Writing holiday pages! Beard against beard, boot against boot Mall Santa throwdown! Who’s the real Saint Nick recruit?
But then something happened that nobody expected A kid walked through the chaos, completely unaffected He looked at both the Santas and he started to cry “Why are you fighting? Christmas isn’t about who wins the prize!” The Santas looked at each other, dropped their fists down low Hugged it out right there, what a Christmas show!
Mall Santa throwdown! Ended with a lesson! Mall Santa throwdown! Christmas is a blessing! They shook hands and laughed, shared some cookies too Mall Santa throwdown! Merry Christmas to you!
HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! From the mall… to your house… MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!